i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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