This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
