I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
