Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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