it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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