The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I want to have your abortion
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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