Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
