as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
