I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
