I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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