I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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