On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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