Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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