I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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