I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
