You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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