I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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