Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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