Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
