fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
