Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
