It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
