It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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