smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
