my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there's paper in my vomit.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
