toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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