i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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