I looked at my own cervix.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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