high people should be assigned attendants
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
