get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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