hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
