I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
