theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
