I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
