They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize