I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
