I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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