mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
