i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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