My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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