Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
