He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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