I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
