who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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