i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
