nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He felt like a one man threesome
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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