I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
