I'm jealous of your bromance
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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