how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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