I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
