u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
