I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
