i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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