sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize