i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
