Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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