I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
