mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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