Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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