The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
