i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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