guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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